Dear Los Angelenos and Latinos:

Have you heard of “Mike The Curvy Latino’s House of Churro”?  Yelp lists this as an exclusive, expensive place and it has no address–just a ZIP code: 90017. So why haven’t you heard about this great Latino place?

Michelle Y. of Chicago, IL decided to celebrate her first year as Yelp Elite by using her “sexy imagination” to spice up her Yelp reviews by writing a bit of soft porn. Michele Y. has actually been to Los Angeles which is only slightly better than the Yelp Elite who are writing angry diatribes against the big game hunter Walter Palmer.

What do you need to know about Michelle Y.? If she isn’t a porn star, she wants to be.  She has written 107 reviews for Yelp and was an Elite in 2014 and is an Elite this year as well and lists herself as “Michelle ‘Spankarella’ Y.” with the tagline “I don’t have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.”

She also wants you to know that “I start fires in pants” or at least she did in Nov. of 2013. But on January 30, 2014, she decided to let you know that her “review #69” was “an appropriately perfect number for me to review this fine establishment.” And that is how she begins her review of “Mike The Curvy Latino’s House of Churro.”

Then she continues with her soft food porn: “Every time I get that late night craving for a creamy churro, I cum here. I was a little apprehensive to try a Puerto Rican churro before, but I can now say I’m hooked!! From the very first time I placed that huge churro in my mouth to the burst of cream in the end, I can say it was well worth it. This is one of the pricier churro places, so it will cost you the shirt off your back. Don’t have a shirt? Don’t worry, Mike doesn’t have one either.”

That isn’t all, she continues: “My panties just drop as soon as I walk in. I like that there’s a TV at this place so I can watch some SportsNet or Food Network while enjoying a nice big churro. I daydream about Mike’s churro being inside of me numerous times throughout the day. Mike The Curvy Latino’s House Of Churro is definitely the perfect spot after a dinner date for a happy ending.”

Yelp Elite Joy G. of Cal-Nev-Ari, NV who has written 308 reviews decided to join in, writing: “This place runs backwards!  Apparently when customers arrive, they must provide parking space for the owner’s limo, if you know what I mean.  He’s not picky, he’ll park in the front or in the rear.  Quite a different concept, but apparently it has taken off based on the ratings. ” Joy calls herself “Human Garbage Disposal.”

Emily S. of Culver City, also an Elite of 2015 joined in with a modest “I found hair in the churro.  They don’t give refunds.” Emily “Captain Smack Talker” S. has written 2035 reviews and has been an Elite since 2009. She gave this non-existent place a five-star rating on Jan. 31, 2014.

Elite Yelper Roland R. added a photo. Apparently, some Elite Yelpers do not take Yelp seriously.

Shouldn’t these Elite Yelpers know that these reviews violate the guidelines:

  • Inappropriate content: Colorful language and imagery is fine, but there’s no need for threats, harassment, lewdness, hate speech, and other displays of bigotry.
  • Personal experience: We want to hear about your firsthand consumer experience, not what you heard from your co-worker or significant other. Try to tell your own story without resorting to broad generalizations and conclusory allegations.
  • Accuracy: Make sure your review is factually correct. Feel free to air your opinions, but don’t exaggerate or misrepresent your experience. We don’t take sides when it comes to factual disputes, so we expect you to stand behind your review.

Instead of using her hometown, Chicago, or even the state where she resides, Illinois, as the topic of her soft porn creative writing, Michelle Y. decided to use Los Angeles. Should we be complimented or agitated? And just what does this say about the requirements and selection of Yelp Elite? As my previous essay on social media lynch mobs indicates, Yelp is slow to move on cleanup and doesn’t take quick action against Yelp Elite when they join in on the “rants about a business’s employment practices, political ideologies, extraordinary circumstances, or other matters that don’t address the core of the consumer experience.” How quickly will Yelp move on this?

 

Advertisements