You’d think that Godzilla would love Tokyo, but in 2014, Godzilla doesn’t even make an appearance there. Why? Just check out the size of the monster. I’m pretty sure I heard the creature asking in despair, “Does Tokyo make my butt look big?”

After all, you take a look at the fleeing MUTOs and see their slender behinds that look like an emaciated model from the androgynous disco days of Spandex, and then look down at your lumpy and bumpy hips, you have to stop and consider what kind of shape you are in.

While the original Godzilla was estimated to be about 50 meters (164 feet) tall, the current one is about 120-150 meters (394-492 feet). Godzilla is a pear-shape and if you roughly estimate that the creature’s hips are 40 percent of its height, then the hip width of the original Godzilla would be 65.6 feet. Using the same formula, we can calculate that the hip width of Godzilla 2014 is 157.6 -196.8 feet.

Football field are 120 yards (360 feet) long and 53.33 yards(160 feet)  wide. Godzilla isn’t going to make cheerleader with hips nearly the width of a football field.  Pear-shaped figures must consider the effect of stripes and cities and striped with roads.

Many of Tokyo streets are less than 7 feet, not wide enough for a Hummer. We know from an old 1922 reference book (the only reference I could find online), Japan as an Automotive Market,  that many of the so-called improved roads in Tokyo are 36-60 feet wide. Roads connecting Tokyo and Yokohama are only 72-feet wide and divided into two side sections each 11.5 feet wide for light traffic and a 6-foot sidewalk on each side with 1.5 feet gutters. New roads of 24-30 feet for hills and mountains in that time period would still not be wide enough for Godzilla’s behind to squeeze through.

Even in modern day Tokyo, we know from the experiences of the proud though foolish Hummer owners that navigating Tokyo is a GPS nightmare. Godzilla is about 20 Hummers wide. If we use the formula to figure out the circumference of a circle, we can roughly estimate that at the hips if Godzilla’s hip radius was about 10, then think of a hip measure that equals 63 Hummers.

In feet, that would be 503-616 (with 80-98 being the radius). Of course, no hip cross section is a perfect circle, even if you’re a real pear, but it gives us a good football stadium estimate. Using echolocation, I’m sure Godzilla 2014 was thinking, “Does Tokyo make my butt look big?” and decided to bypass the city for the slightly more spacious Oahu. Visiting Oahu, which in 1906 (according to the “Reclamation of the Waikiki District of the City of Honolulu Territory of Hawaii“) was being built with 40-30 feet width roads, would be better.

Humvees must be able to navigate the streets because many of the streets seem made for the tourist bus in mind. Life in Oahu isn’t quote so compressed as in Tokyo, but how many Waikiki or Pearl City tourist areas have streets that are 20 Hummers wide?

We don’t really want to see Godzilla in a bikini, even if the creature did come from the islands from where we get the garment’s name.  Imagine the agony and the irony. Godzilla does indeed have a lot to scream about. Does that Godzilla cry sound like millions of women and men before a mirror who find themselves not bikini ready?

Of course, if you’re not bikini ready, the last place you want to head is California although Northern California is better known for surf and rocky beaches than the Beach Boys and beach bunnies. No doubt some surfer dudes welcomed the high waves caused by Godzilla swimming in, but San Francisco would still create angst in someone who is hippy in the physical and not lifestyle sense. Those roads are narrow.

You’d think echolocation would warn the creatures away from such claustrophobic quarters. Or is Godzilla just a drama queen? Some claim that Godzilla, not unlike Santa Claus, has a magical ability that isn’t listed in the Wikizilla. Godzilla can slim down to fit into any city street.

I think it all comes down to vanity served by CGI. Godzilla, having a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (since 2004), is such a diva that the movie makers were convinced to slim the creature down for all of the city shots. So while there are no 20-Hummer wide streets in Tokyo, Waikiki and San Francisco, Godzilla appears to be able to stride through the streets, causing destruction with a well-placed arm or a swinging tail.

Unfortunately, that means we don’t get the feeling of those cities–not the claustrophobia of the cramped streets of Tokyo or the bustling build-up of easy-going Waikiki or the haphazard winding roads of San Francisco, home of the crookedest road.

Dear Godzilla, you don’t have to worry about any bikinis besides those radioactive Bikini Islands. No need to work on looking trimmer (although you might work on that deathly case of radioactive halitosis). Try places that don’t make your butt look so big and remember, your true fans, like the Billy Joel song says, Godzilla, we love you just the way you are.     San Francisco

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